26/04/2023, 07:00:00

Love Letter Farewell


Apologies if I was a lot yesterday. I’m so glad I saw you. I truly am so happy for you. Fuck yeah, seriously, how freaking amazing that you found and have the opportunity to peruse this connection after so long. That’s truly like a freaking love story. My heart sings with happiness for you. All things happen for a reason, timing is everything, and you’ve waited long for this opportunity. I hope this is the relationship that explains why everything else had to go the way it did. I’m so happy you found what you want and need. I truly hope this relationship unfolds into the beautiful relationship you deserve. You found your person. You deserve that. You deserve this.

Thank you for being honest with me, I needed to hear that you moved forward, so I can start doing that too because I still had hope. I’m not going to lie, it hurts like hell, but as I said, that’s my burden and simply where I fall in the history of your love life. I’m sorry I was a bit more doom and gloom yesterday. I lost you and losing you is a difficult loss that’s an ongoing process. I thought if I was honest about how shitty it’s been without you, maybe you’d feel the same and idk, be inspired to start again in time. I didn’t expect that you had moved on so fully because I hadn’t and it didn’t seem possible somehow. I’ve missed you everyday and I daydreamed of a different reunion for us. But don’t worry. I believe in love still. I want to find what you have found. I want my person. I have hope I’ll get there one day and know I’ll be okay.

Anyways, you don’t have to read further, I’ve just been holding onto these apologies and need to let them out.

I really am sorry for the hurt and pain I caused in our time together and apart. There was a lot I didn’t see, nor did I understand fully what you were going through. There was a lot I wasn’t soft and vulnerable about because of how things started as casual between us and this unavailable available. I kept trying to navigate what we were instead of just enjoying the beautiful opportunity I had with you. I’m sorry. It became "un-casual" for me quickly and I didn’t know how to pretend it was casual. I shouldn’t have done that. I always felt on the wrong foot and off balance, afraid I’d lose you. I said and did things that were not me, ugly, and I deeply regret. I know I put pressure on you and I behaved poorly at times. I didn’t give you the space you needed. I have regrets, made mistakes and hold many what if’s. There were many times I wasn’t what you needed and put you in shitty positions. Idk how things got so complicated. I’m sorry. The push and pull put me in fight mode in a way I didn’t know I had in me. I haven’t fallen in love with my trauma in me. I didn’t see it, nor see how it made me want to hold tighter to you. It was wrong and harmful. I’m so sorry.

You were always enough, always perfect. Never broken. No matter what happened, you were authentic and true to yourself while navigating what you were dealing with. That was/is beautiful. I truly admire that and that is one of many things I hope in time to learn from you. Any unintentional hurt was (and will always) be worth you and that authentic presence in my life.

But I’m not gonna lie, I’m incredibly sad we didn’t have a healthy chance at a relationship. My boundaries and rhythms got so blurred. Everything felt rushed and out of fear of losing each other. I didn’t create a safe space. I’m so sorry. Our timing wasn’t right, and maybe in the end I simply never was the right person for you. That really sucks a lot to process, and I’m not okay about that reality right now, but again, I know I’ll get there. This love has been sitting like unsettled, unfinished business in my bones and a big part of me hoped with some time and space apart we’d be able to reset and give this the chance I thought we deserved; where there weren’t so many barriers, resistance, and work mess between us. I don’t think we ever had a chance because we were always stuck in these complicated cycles that weren’t healthy, neither of us wanted to be in and we couldn’t get out. Don’t get me wrong, I will always remember and cherish Ibiza solely because of you. And Christmas, but I regret New Years.

I think I’ve held onto hope because you always came back to me, and I honestly didn’t think our story ended here. I know I’m projecting because you found something right that allowed you to so freely give exclusivity and security to so fast. I couldn’t get in over a year, so you left me for the right reasons. I’m sorry for my part in not creating those feelings with you. Even though it’s a hard and beautiful truth that I am a stepping stone for you to find your way, I’ll always wonder if you are one that got away, that if I was just there New Years or in January like I wanted to be, and listened to the voice I don’t hear often in my head that said ‘stay, it’s worth everything,’ then would things be different? In time, these thoughts won’t be so haunting and the friendship we build will be worth everything.

For one last time and then I’ll let this version, hope and chapter of us go, I miss the safety and security of being curled in your arms. I daydreamed about a relationship out of the shadows, about mountain vacations and mountain living with you by my side; out of the city, away from the noise, carrying a bit of each others burdens when needed and just enjoying what it means to be alive while just trying to figure this mad life out. I want a life with a best friend, trying new things, long weekend excursions, living to our own rhythm, exploring the world while loving each other wholly. I look for home in people and I saw that potential more clearly with you than anyone else I’ve met. I’ll remember you falling asleep on the phone with me, curling into you in the mornings, you coming to mine drunk for the best, oh the memories are great and go on. Time and distance can stretch between us, but I’m always going to hold you close, in a special place in my heart and greet you with a big hug and smile. Know I truly adore you. I learned a lot from you, and know I still have much to learn. I’m incredibly grateful for the time we’ve had so far. You fill me with such joy and calm and truly warm my heart when I see you. Like it’s so tender and cute, I can’t explain haha. I really wish our chance went differently, but I’m lucky in life to have you as my friend. I’m always going to be here. Not just for the fun times, but also the hard ones, when you need a shoulder to lean on. I will always deeply love, care for and protect you as best I can, however I can. It doesn’t matter if you never felt this for me in any equal measures, this is what you’ve meant to me and I wanted to express my love one last time as our paths diverge from each other and I lose the chance to say I love you and I’m sorry. You deserved better from me. You deserved better than a text now, but figured it’s best to start on a fresh page as best we can when we see each other next because that is what we and your partner deserve. I hope you know I’m saying this all with pure heart and pure intentions. I want everything to work out just as it should for you. I do not need or expect a response. Feel free to do if you want to. Just promise to please tell me what I need to learn and when I get things wrong. I’m trying really hard, it’s not easy and I’m going to make mistakes. I haven’t done this before and I don’t want to lose you completely. I’ll always hold onto love and hope, but it’ll never interfere with your path.

I’m not okay right now, so I’ll take more time to grieve this new reality and reach out sometime after I’m back from vacation. I look forward to telling you all about the crazy food I ate over a beer or two.

Until then, Cowboy

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08/05/2023, 16:44:00

Sleepless in Seoul

Sitting alone in heartache sucks. I’m trying hard not to think about you being happy, downing whatever sorrow and heartache you had over me in the happiness of a new relationship. I’m trying hard to not think how much I wish that was me, even thought I know that would have never been me. You replaced me in less than 3 months. Although I can sit here and tell myself, no one who deserves me would do that, I also know, I wish she was me. I wish I could hold you, and kiss you whenever I wanted. I wish I could be the one you share photos of on your socials. I wish I had been enough to be the one out of the shadows.

I want and deserve a hell of a lot more, but fuck it hurts. It fucking hurts to see someone else get everything I wanted, everything I tried hard for over a year for, to get in a few short months. I feel like fucking trash.

I’m sitting here in a bed is Seoul, crying over the love you never gave me. How fucking sad is that. I hate that I still pine for your attention, your approval, your love, when I know it was never good enough. I would have moved mountains and withstood blizzards for you, and it never would have mattered.

I need to forgive myself for accepting, wanting, and loving so little. I need to forgive myself, but I can’t while I still miss you.

I have to sit in this a little while longer. I have to go through my burden of hurting and healing alone. Because I want what I give, I want what I deserve, but I can’t give what I want and deserve while holding onto this pain, this jealousy, this hollowness of missing you, someone I never had.

I’m hurting so much, I feel so lonely, and it’s not fucking fair.

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11/05/2023, 16:39:00

Laying awake

I hate that I am laying awake tonight, thinking of you with her. I hate that she gets the best of you and I only got glimpses. I'm jealous that she fit into your life so easily and she gets to have you how I always wanted you. I feel worthless and ugly for how quickly and easily I was pushed aside and forgotten. I hate that you didn't work on you and get better and fight for me to be a part of you life. I hate I gave you so much time, patience, understanding, forgiveness just to learn she started as casual with you but got to be your partner in less than 3 months. I hate that she isn't me.

I know this is all in my head, but it is true I was easily replaced and she slots into your life so easily.

I hate I put so much into someone who still gives me anxious, restless night. I hate that I'm in the pendulum swing between feeling and knowing how great I am am, knowing life will work out beautifully for me, and feeling old, used, alone and unworthy of anything better than what you gave me. My confidence, self-love, and self-worth is so fragile. One bad photo or inspection of my aging face tears me apart. I hate how little I value myself.

I hate that at nearly 35 I am having these late night feelings and conversations with myself. I don't want to be alone. I hate how my anxiety is coiling in my chest and sending me spiral early into the morning for someone who never chose me. I want my person here with me and I wanted you to so badly be my person. But you're not, you're her person.

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14/05/2023, 01:42:00


I can't stand my reflection. Every time I see myself, I only see all the flaws. I see why you didn't choose me. I see why no one will want to choose me. I lost my youthful fullness. I lost my youthful glow. I lost the forgiveness youthfulness can give to a person's looks. I have never been obviously beautiful. I have never been obviously pretty even. I think I my attraction mostly comes from my personality when I was in the U.S. and then from being from the U.S. since I've lived abroad. I feel like I have nothing special to offer, nothing uniquely, beautifully mine to give. At least I had my youth, the promise of potential, whatever that meant to the male gaze and however I internalized that as my value and self-worth to the other.

Now, all I see the dried up well. I feel old, unattractive and unappealing. I stare at my flaws in the mirror, my dropping eyelids, my sagging elbow and knees, my large, protruding rib cage. I look at myself and all I can see is all the reasons why someone wouldn’t want me.

I know it all is more than skin deep and in the end that is all that truly matters, but I hate how I look. I want to lose 7 kilos. I want to remove the loose skin I see in places, and at the same time, I want to fade into the background. I don’t want anyone to notice me. But I also want to be noticed. I want to be celebrated for who I am and how I look.

I felt so sexy, so appealing, so desired when I had you. You were gorgeous and sexy as hell and I got to have you. But you never truly chose me; so I take it as I was never truly worthy. That I was gross and ugly and didn’t deserve your presence in my life.

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