Sleepless in Seoul

Sitting alone in heartache sucks. I’m trying hard not to think about you being happy, downing whatever sorrow and heartache you had over me in the happiness of a new relationship. I’m trying hard to not think how much I wish that was me, even thought I know that would have never been me. You replaced me in less than 3 months. Although I can sit here and tell myself, no one who deserves me would do that, I also know, I wish she was me. I wish I could hold you, and kiss you whenever I wanted. I wish I could be the one you share photos of on your socials. I wish I had been enough to be the one out of the shadows.

I want and deserve a hell of a lot more, but fuck it hurts. It fucking hurts to see someone else get everything I wanted, everything I tried hard for over a year for, to get in a few short months. I feel like fucking trash.

I’m sitting here in a bed is Seoul, crying over the love you never gave me. How fucking sad is that. I hate that I still pine for your attention, your approval, your love, when I know it was never good enough. I would have moved mountains and withstood blizzards for you, and it never would have mattered.

I need to forgive myself for accepting, wanting, and loving so little. I need to forgive myself, but I can’t while I still miss you.

I have to sit in this a little while longer. I have to go through my burden of hurting and healing alone. Because I want what I give, I want what I deserve, but I can’t give what I want and deserve while holding onto this pain, this jealousy, this hollowness of missing you, someone I never had.

I’m hurting so much, I feel so lonely, and it’s not fucking fair.

08/05/2023, 16:44:00