I can't stand my reflection. Every time I see myself, I only see all the flaws. I see why you didn't choose me. I see why no one will want to choose me. I lost my youthful fullness. I lost my youthful glow. I lost the forgiveness youthfulness can give to a person's looks. I have never been obviously beautiful. I have never been obviously pretty even. I think I my attraction mostly comes from my personality when I was in the U.S. and then from being from the U.S. since I've lived abroad. I feel like I have nothing special to offer, nothing uniquely, beautifully mine to give. At least I had my youth, the promise of potential, whatever that meant to the male gaze and however I internalized that as my value and self-worth to the other.

Now, all I see the dried up well. I feel old, unattractive and unappealing. I stare at my flaws in the mirror, my dropping eyelids, my sagging elbow and knees, my large, protruding rib cage. I look at myself and all I can see is all the reasons why someone wouldn’t want me.

I know it all is more than skin deep and in the end that is all that truly matters, but I hate how I look. I want to lose 7 kilos. I want to remove the loose skin I see in places, and at the same time, I want to fade into the background. I don’t want anyone to notice me. But I also want to be noticed. I want to be celebrated for who I am and how I look.

I felt so sexy, so appealing, so desired when I had you. You were gorgeous and sexy as hell and I got to have you. But you never truly chose me; so I take it as I was never truly worthy. That I was gross and ugly and didn’t deserve your presence in my life.