Laying awake

I hate that I am laying awake tonight, thinking of you with her. I hate that she gets the best of you and I only got glimpses. I'm jealous that she fit into your life so easily and she gets to have you how I always wanted you. I feel worthless and ugly for how quickly and easily I was pushed aside and forgotten. I hate that you didn't work on you and get better and fight for me to be a part of you life. I hate I gave you so much time, patience, understanding, forgiveness just to learn she started as casual with you but got to be your partner in less than 3 months. I hate that she isn't me.

I know this is all in my head, but it is true I was easily replaced and she slots into your life so easily.

I hate I put so much into someone who still gives me anxious, restless night. I hate that I'm in the pendulum swing between feeling and knowing how great I am am, knowing life will work out beautifully for me, and feeling old, used, alone and unworthy of anything better than what you gave me. My confidence, self-love, and self-worth is so fragile. One bad photo or inspection of my aging face tears me apart. I hate how little I value myself.

I hate that at nearly 35 I am having these late night feelings and conversations with myself. I don't want to be alone. I hate how my anxiety is coiling in my chest and sending me spiral early into the morning for someone who never chose me. I want my person here with me and I wanted you to so badly be my person. But you're not, you're her person.

11/05/2023, 16:39:00